


he was the sun.

by arisfocis



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Getting Back Together, Guilt and Acceptance, M/M, Post-Break Up, Self-Discovery, donghyuck is the sun, i Promise its not that heavy, kind of, not that heavy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-04-22 17:00:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22193416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arisfocis/pseuds/arisfocis
Summary: donghyuck was the sun. jaemin didn’t realize this until it was too late.when donghyuck demands an answer to why they’re still together, crying, jaemin wants to believe he didn’t see it coming from a mile away. it was like seeing the ball flying towards his face well ahead of time, and still getting hit in the face.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 48





	he was the sun.

donghyuck was the sun. jaemin didn’t realize this until it was too late.

jaemin hadn’t seen their breakup coming. no one had, really. not donghyuck, not jaemin, not jeno, _ no one. _ when the news about _ how exactly _ got out, though, no one had been shocked. jaemin thinks he should feel insulted, but he doesn’t. had he been an outsider, he would have thought the same.

their breakup had been exactly as expected. their personalities volatile and polarized, clashing— their arguments violent and burning and unexpected and yet unsurprising. donghyuck was a force of nature, jaemin thinks, beautiful and destructive. there and then not. nothing left in the wake of the explosion they created.

in many ways, it was inevitable— jaemin, stubborn and hard-headed, donghyuck much the same. when they agreed, it was harmonious. when they didn’t, it was messy. each believing that compromise was a loss and that their way was the only way. settling into awkward silences, not acknowledging the bigger problem sitting in front of them. getting over it without really resolving their issues.

when donghyuck demands an answer to why they’re still together, crying, jaemin wants to believe he didn’t see it coming from a mile away. it was like seeing the ball flying towards his face well ahead of time, and still getting hit in the face.

jaemin doesn’t have an answer, of course. he leaves the next morning. the air is cold and it is cloudy and tears sting the corners of his eyes. he doesn’t turn back. doesn’t let himself cry, doesn’t let himself douse the flames of his bitterness.

jaemin basks in the afterglow, for a while. lets the flames move him, power him. he doesn’t realize that he is burning up from the inside out, doesn't realize what he’s doing to himself. he burns, trying to smooth the remnants of their fight over. the embers are cooling down and jaemin is left without anything. he is a turmoil of emotions.

jaemin’s cold now. no sun to warm him up, no fire to power him on.

——

the nights are long, without donghyuck. jaemin had become so used to his warmth that living without it, now, was damn near impossible. 

there were a lot of long moments, time stilling. stopping. taunting. creeping by as if to mock jaemin, show him what he could have had. (what he didn’t have.) crying, drunk nights on jeno’s doorstep, babbling, words incomprehensible. memories of Before coming back in snapshots. he thinks about what would have happened if he had turned back to donghyuck. fresh bouts of tears.

jaemin is torn between reliving every memory they had together and never remembering them again. he misses the cafe they always went together, light, airy. he misses the stray cat they always pet on their pay to work. he misses their long nights together, working, talking, laughing. 

he doesn’t miss their arguments. jaemin still doesn’t want to admit his wrongs, even though he can see straight through the lies he’s telling himself. he thinks about their petty fights, about who was going to wash the dishes, about why one came home later than normal, about not being there for each other enough. he remembers and recalls and relives and _ hurts. _there is a gaping wound in him, invisible. he doesn’t miss donghyuck, he tells himself. 

jaemin misses donghyuck. 

he watches the sun set. (over and over and over.) he lies in his bed, awash in the glow of the fleeing sun, and wonders how he hadn’t seen donghyuck’s beauty till it was too late. 

jaemin painstakingly stitches his wounds back together, no gentle light to guide him. jaemin feels the phantom pain of a limb long gone. he remembers how donghyuck and him were practically attached at the hip. he recalls, recalls, recalls. acknowledges the memories, makes it _ real, _and throws it out.

——

jaemin doesn’t he think he’s a coward, but here he is, running away. he spends two months in europe, learning and relearning. he comes back, tail tucked between his legs.

he learns how to love again. how to live. how to remember. how to break up, even. (though nothing ever matched him and donghyuck.)

he catches snippets of donghyuck’s life, here and there. a new boyfriend, a new job, a new apartment. he never sees him except for afar. he thinks he wants to keep it that way, for a bit.

jaeming learns to compromise, loses the mentality of a child. he wonders what donghyuck is up to, and then reminds himself that he’s not living that way anymore. 

jaemin is torn— here and not, black and white, cold and hot. he thinks and thinks and thinks. watches the sun set over dozens of skylines, with dozens of people. 

he talks to renjun and jeno, again. gets drunk, lets loose. gets sober. talks about life and death and love. waxes philosophical about the meaning of life, about how they were always meant to be together, whether platonically or not. rethinks soulmates, too. jaemin thinks about fate— wants to know what the universe has in store for them.

he realizes how much they all have changed and grown. makes plans and sticks to them. 

he remembers preaching love and acceptance— remembers how he never applied that to himself. he learns to live with himself, to love himself. he grows and grows and grows and still, sometimes, jaemin thinks about the root of all his change. it’s hard to unteach old habits, but just this once, jaemin doesn’t mind.

—— 

he sees donghyuck, at some party, years later. they still have the same friends, mostly, still know what has happened with the other’s life. people moving in and out. a cycle, a weak imitation of what had blown up so long ago. jaemin still revolves around donghyuck, as the earth does the sun. 

jaemin raises a hand. “hi,” he says. the world slows. stills. jaemin feels anxiety roll somewhere deep within him. 

donghyuck smiles faintly. “hello, jaemin,” he says. “you look good.” 

_ i missed you, _ jaemin thinks. _ i missed this. _

no matter how long the night is, do not forget— the sun will rise again. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> wrote this in under 24 hours. i know i promised a fluffy nahyuck, but this is not that fic. i'm very sorry to my nahyuckists out there.
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/AR1SFOC1S)   
[tumblr](https://arisfocis.tumblr.com)


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